I started this blog as a way to speak my truth, pose questions to those reading, and maybe provide a little support for whomever may need it. It feels correct to explore something quite personal, which if I’m honest, is taking a lot for me to display to the world. I’ll begin with a phrase that, if you know me, is uttered potentially too many times; emotions don’t scare me. Unfortunately, however, the past few weeks… they have.
Sitting here on this bitterly cold Wednesday in November, a dim light shines deep orange onto my MacBook keyboard as my beautifully crafted leopard-print, gold and blue, glitter nails type away, I am deep in reflection. My gaze lost into vast deep green leaves of a peace lily toward my balcony door. Hiding a moment of light, desperately trying to reach my eyes from the carpark below the hotel opposite. A faint laughter fills the air around my ears as I breathe deeply and close my eyes for a moment. I wonder what they are laughing at.
The sky falls soft as the sun disappears further and further away. The deep water below my balcony edge, darkens and stills as the night becomes calm. A soft hum of cars trawling in the unavoidable Manchester traffic, an occasional angry horn of a disgruntled business-man startles me as I gaze into the navy night. People surround me going about their everyday, oblivious to their surroundings. A vibrant city of colour, light, music and joy is far in the distance at this very moment. Why is it, in a city with over 2.83 million habitants, can one feel so alone?
I’m not ashamed to say I’ve had a tough couple of weeks, filled with emotion, encompassed by an opportunist feeling of hope. This isn’t a pity party, please believe me on that. As you’ve read from previous posts (even those nigh-on 10 years ago), I am blessed with an exceptional family and an incredible, crazy, exciting group of wonderous humans I can call my close friends. There is still something niggling away at the back of my mind and deep in the pit of my stomach; does city-life create lone warriors?
This past month has been one hell of a journey. I have managed to experience many life-altering situations in the shortest amount of time, through fault of none but mine. I decided to move homes, move jobs and explore a new world of life with a fabulous new group of friends, all whilst one of the most important to me, embarks on a new journey across the seas (and) down under. Change can make you feel full of excitement and empowerment, but can also leave you feeling a little, how can I put it? Lost.
Let me ask you this, have you ever sat and cried for no reason? Or scrolled, on purpose, through endless TikTok videos in which grooms hear their children’s voices whilst stood at the alter? Or rewatched the same deeply upsetting episode of Grey’s Anatomy and cried at the very same moment even though you know it’s coming and ultimately that it isn’t real? Well, that’s been the journey I’ve been on. A very difficult journey when you wear as much fake tan as I do, streak marks down the cheek won’t be seen on December’s cover of Vogue now will they?!
The hardest challenge I’ve found to overcome, is the want to push people away when I feel lonely. Why do we do that? Why do we crave being alone when we already feel the loneliest? Pride you may say. But honestly, having Bondi Sands Fake Tan drip from your cheeks into a glass of Pinot doesn’t bring much confidence. I’ve been blessed however, with very persistent individuals not allowing me to do this, and for that I am extremely grateful. My mother being the advocate, my advocate. (Love you). I wouldn’t be sitting here feeling the light at the end of the tunnel if I didn’t have these people around me.
I want to say this. Let yourself feel these feelings. Become emotionally vulnerable. Explore the deep questions. And ultimately, have a bloody cry! This does not make you weak. This makes you strong!
I guess my message here is; we don’t always know how people are feeling within, so be kind. Be gentle. Be supportive. Allow those to flourish around you. We aren’t on our own in this crowded world, but are a celebration of our culture and humanity, which is so important. I wouldn’t be sat here, writing about all this, if I didn’t believe just that. The world is an interesting place. But above all things, in the end, I truly believe, hope prevails.
If you need anyone, you know where I am.
Roro XOXO
Rowan Barr 